


No Fear No Loathing

by Glitterrdelilahs



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, F/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 23:46:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitterrdelilahs/pseuds/Glitterrdelilahs
Summary: The world looked different to her now. She finally saw it. How the world really was. With the mistrust of people turned them to isolation. She avoided people at all costs. They were more dangerous than the dead. With an extensive history of pain she thought she was finally free of it until him.





	1. On A Run

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoy this. I’ve had this story in my head for awhile. I have so many plans for this story and I hope I get it right and I hope you all like it.

They lived alone. The silence use to bother her. Not anymore. Now she feels inadequate without it. Too much noise alarmed her, put her on edge, told her that something was wrong because through the silence she could hear the whispers and through the noise she could hear the dangers.

The farmhouse she managed to maintain was the only thing she knew as home here in the apocalypse. She had 40 acres of land and then beyond that was the vast woods of Virginia. She’s from D.C. but she knows Virginia just as well, if not better now. She had little knowledge of the state’s geography due to her and her family coming up to Virginia from to time before shit hit the fan. Now she knows Virginia like the back of her hand.

Now it was just the three of them left. It use to be a full house. She swore to herself she’d protect the two of them, they were the only thing she had left in this world. She’s seen what kind of people the world shaped now and they were never good. All with ill intentions. It seemed as though the dead were more trustworthy than the living. The dead would put you out of your misery as opposed to the living who toyed and tortured you. She would rather be the dead and walk amongst them to let any of the living close her into a cage. She’s seen and endured the horrors people are now capable of. It was by the skin of her teeth that she escaped. She refused to let that happen again.

Now she was out scavenging. For food and any other necessities, mostly necessities. The trip was going slow, she hadn’t found much but that didn’t mean she was going to stop looking. She was in a store she had found, it was raided already but there was still things she could use. She slipped those items into her messenger bag. She continued to another isle, pushing pass what was deemed unusable by her out of the way. A couple boxes of toothpaste laid there on the shelf, she slid them into her bag. Her legs started to move again, a pack of razors, a bag of pads covered in a layer of dust, deodorant, and body wash she also found. She couldn’t believe all these things were still here. She slid the bookbag off her shoulders and stuffed the items into it. Once the bookbag was back on her shoulders she continued walking. She came upon a pharmacy. She jumped the counter and starting to scan the bottles that were left behind. She found a few bottles of ibuprofen and other painkillers that she remembered the names of, she also grabbed a few other bottles, she planned to figure out the use of what was inside the bottle by using the textbook on medicine she had at home. She slid the bottles into her messenger bag.

The sound of a bell filled the store. She immediately hid behind one of the shelves and dropped into a crouching position. She pulled her axe from her makeshift holder that was around her thigh, she had a good grip on the handle of the axe but she didn’t plan on getting into any altercations. She looked for any quick exits, She spotted one. It was through a darkened hall directly to the right of her.

“Grab anything that can be useful. And be quick. Boss man isn’t in any mood for any shit.” The man voice was gruff and by the sound of it she guessed he was more built.

“Is he ever?” This man’s voice was softer and more gentle on her ears.

“Just shut up and start looking.”

Their voices seemed to be getting closer and closer so she immediately ran past, her heart beating rapidly, not out of fear just of the outcome of those men if they caught her. As she ran for the darkened hallway with the glowing “Exit” sign she knocked over a few bottles of medicine. “Shit!” She whispered. She ducked into a room near the exit, immediately scanning it for any walkers. Luckily there were none. She backed into a corner and listened for any conversation from the men.

“What the hell was that?” That same gruff voice was heard.

“Maybe it was a biter.”

“Did you even scan the place?”

“That wasn’t my job.”

“Fucking idiots. Go check it out!”

She hoped they wouldn’t come into the room. She slid behind a shelf and ducked. She continued to listen. She heard footsteps enter the pharmacy.

“A couple bottles knocked over. I’m guessing that was where the noise came from. I don’t see anyone though.” The man said. He continued down the dark hall until he came upon the room she was in. He was careless with the way he searched the room, if you can call it searching it was more like he scanned the room. Something he certainly would have done better if the boss man was here in the store with them. The man finally left.

“It’s nothing. I found nothing.”

“Are you sure?” The same gruff voice asked.

“I’m sure.”

“Then get your ass over here and start going through this shit.”

She slowly came out of her hiding spot, axe still in hand. She peaked to see if it was clear for her to run. With none of the men in sight she ran through the exit door. She stopped. A man with a large assault rifle stood in front of her with his back to her. She froze. _It doesn’t have to be a fight. No one has to die. He does not have to die. You just run away. Run. Away._

Unfortunately for her he turned around. She switched to the handle of the axe and swung. He laid on the ground out cold with his assault rifle. She heard talking and slamming of truck doors from around the corner. She decided on going the opposite of that way. She cut holes on every fence in case she needed a quick escape.

She was no stranger to running. If she would have ran sooner she wouldn’t have been spotted by another guard unbeknownst to her. She was too far for him to start chasing after her. Or if the boss man would even want him to waste time with that.

The familiar white roof of the farmhouse started to come into view, a content sigh escaped her lips. Her shoulders slumped and she ran the rest of the way.

“I’m back!” She yelled.

“Took you long enough. You gettin’ rusty?”

“You wish.”

She stared her brother in the eyes, noticing how much he grew and how his face hardened from what they saw the past years. He was no longer her innocent big brother, he was quick to action if needed to. He was tough but still through that intimidating demeanor was her brother that cried if she did, that never hesitated to put himself in between her and the danger that was in front of her.

“Where is she?” She asked. Referring to their 3-year old niece.

“Just put her down for a nap. Get anything good.”

“Yeah. I was lucky enough to find some food, toiletries and medicine. That book on medicine we got I’m sure we can find use of some of the medicine I found.” She said. He took the messenger bag and book bag from her and sat them near the couch.

“Hey Mason?” Her tone was borderline concerned

“What is it? Did you…” She knew he was asking if she had killed someone.

“Nah I didn’t. I-I just came across some men today. Hid from some while I was in the store. Knocked one out to get past him. They had huge assault rifles. It was quite a few men, they had a few trucks so I’m assuming they have a community. I don’t know if they seen me run. Should—should we be worried? It’s been awhile since we came across people.”

“Hey—look at me. We’re fine. We are fine. If they didn’t see you then were fine. There’s a good chance they didn’t see you. And if they come, they don’t know these woods as good as us. Now go shower and rest.”

She started to think if those men could start to be noise. The noise that disrupted the silence that took forever for them to create. She’d never know nor did she want to find out.


	2. Birds, Stars, Constellations

Despite the horrors of the apocalypse the singing and the chirping of birds in the morning never faded away like most things. It was a reminder to her that everything in this post apocalyptic world wasn't danger.

Her niece laid sleeping soundly beside her, well more on top of her. Her niece, Rosie, refused to sleep in her own bed. Rosie cried all night until where she was now. She didn't mind Rosie at all. In fact she preferred it that way. It felt more safe for her to have Rosie near her. Although it was quiet for the last two years she was expecting someone to take Rosie and Mason away from her. She had nightmares of them being ripped out of her hands.

After that night where things went to shit for her she started to think if she could have any semblance of life before. At that moment it seemed so unlikely but now she had a sense of comfort. She was sure in herself and she knew she'd do anything to protect Rosie and Mason.

She felt like danger was waiting at every corner for her. Especially with those men she came across. She was almost tempted to go back out and try to find their community. Something wouldn't settle inside of her until she knew if they were up against a problem.

_Maybe it's nothing. I can be overthinking. Let it go._

She didn't have the courage to pull Rosie off of her. She found herself wishing she could stay in this small moment. Something so small but gave her such satisfaction. She started to reflect on old memories.

She found herself fighting with herself, scolding herself, blaming herself in the most silent parts of the day. This wasn't uncommon. The self loathing and wishing she could go back and change things. Pushing away the progress she's made with realizing she wasn't getting those people back and there's nothing she could do about it. Fear started to loom over here like a rain filled cloud ready to burst. Her thoughts were the cracks of thunder that disrupted her rather reposed demeanor. She sometimes got the urge to call out for Mason but she always came to the conclusion that she needed to learn how to not be afraid of herself or her thoughts. And to not be afraid of the self loathing and fear.

_What if something happens to them too? It'll be my fault._

She hated that the fact that she was waiting for them to meet an end. She was expecting it. Sometimes she prepared herself to lose the two of them because she's lost everyone else. She expected that she soon would be watching the sunrise and the sunset alone. She would no longer find comfort in the birds that chirped outside her window or the full table at dinner time. Or the jokes from Mason early in the morning. Or the soft fussing that came from Rosie when she wanted to be picked up. She would be alone. She would die alone.

She's come to such an intense need to protect the two she had left. That's what she did. Even if she couldn't call herself sane.

_No sane person did what you did. Does what you do._

"You up? Figured Rosie was with you. She's spoiled because of you, you know?" Mason said. He had startled her, she was focused intensely on the skylight above her bed.

"Because of me?"

"That's what I said isn't it?" He said, joking. He had that same smile on his face, the one that reminded her of their dad.

"It's too early for me to be fighting with you."

"You'd lose anyway."

"Bullshit."

"Yeah, yeah. Come down I made breakfast." Mason said. It was weird to her how some days seemed so normal given the circumstances.

"And you didn't burn anything? A miracle, really."

"Haha. You think you're funny huh?" Mason said. He grabbed Rosie, she fussed some before she opened her eyes and settled into his arms. She followed behind Mason and Rosie.

"I know I'm funny. I don't need you to tell me."

She watched as Rosie attempted to eat on her own without making a colossal mess. She remembered when Rosie took her first steps. Granted it was in the middle of woods, it was a silver lining in the apocalypse. Anytime she was down she would look to Rosie. The only innocence left in this world. She thought about how Rosie wouldn't be able to live a normal life or experience the things she had.

"What are you thinking about?" Mason asked. He noticed how she was pushing her food around rather than eating it.

"I was just thinking about where she took her first steps." She said.

"In the woods not too far from here." Mason said.

She once thought that Rosie's first steps were a sign that they were going to find a home soon. That everything would find a way to be okay. She remember just months before Rosie's first steps they were fighting for their lives.

"It's weird...how much joy it gave me even though you and I were pretty much almost dead. In that small moment—what I felt I haven't felt that in a long time." She said. She pushed her food away from and leaned forward.

"Eat. Please." Mason begged. He started to worry again ever since she came back from that run. She had that near distant look in her eyes again. The look where she's here but not really here. That look that said she wanted help but didn't know how to ask for it.

"Nah, i'm not hungry. Rosie would probably eat it though, her plate is already empty." She said.

"Eat." Mason said. She knew he was doing nothing but caring for her, as he always did. He knew her "nothing" was something.

"Fine." She said.

"She's been so talkative lately. She's able to read through those books we found on that run not too long ago." Mason told her.

"That's good. Don't know how much an education is worth these days. Seems like all people want is control." She said. Mason knew that something was definitely bothering her. It was those men she saw on that run. It had to be.

"You're not wrong about that. But were not those people. She wont be exposed to that. Not as long as she has us."

-

There was a skylight in her room. Mason often brought Rosie in to watch the stargaze and point out constellations. All three of them enjoyed the activity. They first showed Rosie the skylight when she was one. She loved it every since. Sometimes she couldn't sleep without seeing the stars. She watched as Rosie's short chubby fingers pointed to the stars. She smiled as Rosie hugged her and squealed. Nothing got Rosie excited quite like the stars. Nothing excited her quite like watching the stars with Rosie and Mason. Rosie watched the stars for a little while longer before she started to get sleepy, her small fists rubbing against her eyes. Rosie leaned against Mason's shoulder.

"I wish she could have seen her grow up." Mason said.

"Me too. It isn't fair." She said.

"Nothing's fair these days. You fight back or the world just swallows you up." Mason said. She didn't feel like having this conversation. Although it was usually her that was speaking those words but Mason felt like he needed to speak those words to truly understand them.

"She did fight and look what happened," She said.

"Hey, Mason?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't feel right. Somethings not not settling right with me."

"I know. I could tell. It's the men you came across, isn't it?"

"Yeah it is...we have to leave."

"Leave? And go where?" Mason asked.

"Away from here. It just doesn't feel right. I feel like they're after us and I can't shake that feeling, Mason. I can't!" She said, tears already starting to fall.

"Hey—calm down. No one is coming. It's been us out here alone for years. We are safe here."

"Safe? They had assault rifles. Who knows what they do."

"We don't even know where they're located. They didn't see you. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Mason, I'm not afraid of them. I'm afraid of what I could do to them." She was too hysterical to talk now. Mason's words weren't having they're usual affect.

"No one is coming for us. No one. I promise you we're safe here," Mason said, he tried his best to calm here. But the tears were still coming and her body was still shaking. He laid Rosie down and tucked her in.

He carefully walked to where she was sitting, cautiously touched her shoulder, letting her know he was there. She relaxed under the feeling of his hand. She laid her hand on top of his to let him know she was listening.

"I'm sorry, Mason. Sorry. I really am."

"Don't apologize. We've been through hell. You've been through hell. But as long as I'm here, nothing is going to happen to you. Or Rosie."


	3. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter will be a flashback. It’ll be a couple more flashback chapters. Also if you guys could comment and tell me what you guys think so far, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks for reading!

 

_"So what do you suppose we do?"_

_"Make peace. We don't have the power to fight them."_

_"That's it? We just surrender, that's it? Are you being serious right now?"_

_"What do you expect? They'll blow us to hell before we even get a chance to defend ourselves. Not that that would last long because we have nothing to defend ourselves with! Diaval, listen to me!"_

_"No! I'm done listening to  you. You might have the trust of the community but what I say goes."_

_"What you say is going to get us wiped out!"_

_"I think you need to listen to her. This community is still standing because of her." Jack said._

_"You're just siding with her because you're in between her legs every night." Diaval said._

_"Enough! That's enough. You're going to listen. And then you're going to think twice about insulting me like that again.” She said while moving closer to Diaval._

_"Until we find guns and ammo we leave them alone. What's the use in fighting if we don't have what we need to fight? We have innocent people that will get caught in the crossfire ifyou put your ego above their lives." She said._

_"You think you're so smart. Don't you?" Diaval asks._

_"I don't think it. I know it."_

_"Hm." Diaval says with finality then walks off into his office._

_"He's a real piece of work." Jack said._

_"Tell me about it."_

_"You'd be a great leader." Jack told her._

_"Nah. I'm not a leader."_

_"A leader is someone who puts the safety of people in front of their own well being. Someone who fights until their last breath for the greater good, for safety and for the people. Him back there, Diaval, he's not a leader. If it weren't for you this place wouldn't be where it is now." Jack said._

_"I don't know, Jack." She said._

_"The people feel more safe with you than him. You know that. We all know that."_

_"I can't lead these people, Jack, you know that."_

_"I know the opposite of that. You keep this place running."_

_"It's an effort from everyone."_

_"And who do they get the courage and the motivation from? You."_

_"Jack-"_

_"I'm serious."_

_"I know you are."_

_"I love you. You know that right?" Jack said. His tone was forceful but only because he wanted her to know it was the truth._

_"Yeah, I know. I love you too." She said. Hesitance displayed on her face. Not because she didn't love him but because of the thought of her losing him lingered over her subconscious._

_The community was made up of apartments. 10 apartment buildings in total. They built a gate around the 10 apartments. Strong enough to withhold walkers and the people who had less than desirable objectives to the people within the walls._

_They learned to farm, they learned as much as they could with the knowledge from textbooks so they could have decent nurses and doctors, they had everything the community needed to thrive and it was all coined from her. She saw what the community could be and she got people to trust her and to help her start to build the foundations of their community. She always said it didn't have to always be fighting with another community or anyone really. It was always 'stronger together' to her._

_She reached the top of the stairs with Jack and let out a prolonged sigh. Before she could reach the door it had already swung open, revealing two children, her nieces, they were a year apart. Both smiled brightly up at her._

_"We missed you! You took so long to come back!" They both said. She laughed at how in sync they were. There was Ava and Avery, both her sister's children. Her sister, Claire, who also had another daughter, Rosie. She was coming up on her first birthday in a few months._

_"I was gone for like 20 minutes." she said._

_"Yeah and it was so boring without you here. Mom is making us do homework again." Avery said, Ava nodding along to every word._

_"What? Homework?! School is so irrelevant these days." Jack said, they loved him just as much as she did. Maybe more. He spoiled them rotten._

_"Right, Jack?" Ava said, her eyes got brighter once he spoke._

_"It's an outrage." Avery said._

_"Well you two better not let your mom hear you saying this." She said._

_"Too late. Get your butts inside and finish those worksheets." Claire said. Her sister. Her sister was older than her. It was Claire then mason then her. Despite her being the youngest she was always putting herself between harms way and her siblings._

_"Claire, let the kids live." She said._

_"I will. Once they finish their time tables." Claire said._

_"Don't worry girls, I'll take you out to play later." She said. Both of the girls eyes went wide and they smiled at her again._

_"Come on you all, get inside. I made dinner." Claire said._


	4. Where The Wildflowers Grow

 

Theres an open field about five minutes from their farmhouse. She remembered going there when she was younger. Mason, Claire, and herself, they use to go there to fly kites. Sometimes their family barbecued and they would spend all day on that field.

She was particularly interested in the Wildflowers that grew and were almost swallowed by the tall grass on the field. The purples, pinks, yellows, blues, and reds of the flowers remained vibrant in her memory as they did now laying against the grass. Rosie reached for some.

"Bu- bu- bu-" Rosie stuttered.

"She's trying to say blue. Sometimes when she refuses to sleep she repeats all the colors of the painting on my wall to me." She whispered to Mason.

"She never does that when she's with me." Mason said.

"Because she likes me better. Duh."

"Bullshit."

"It's the truth. Don't be jealous. I've always been the favorite."

"Liar." Mason said, laughing as she had to catch her balance when he shoved her with his shoulder.

"She's starting to look more and more like Claire every day." She said. Both Mason and herself paused momentarily, both realizing what she had said.

"Yeah...I started to see that too." Mason said. He sat in the grass next to her. He took some grass between his fingers, trying to think of what to say to her next. She noticed his want to say something.

"I'm almost there. I'm still worried but...almost there counts right?" She said.

"Yeah that counts. We're safe out here. Rosie is. And you are too." Mason said.

After that was said neither of them said anything for awhile. They watched Rosie explore with the flowers. Something had emerged from the flowers. A Honey Bee. It had caught all of their attention. It's been so long since she and Mason seen one. Rosie had never seen one until now. Rosie hadn't seen much wildlife. Maybe a deer or two and the birds she watched from her windows. Rosie smiled so wide, giving her the features of her mother. The same smile, hair color, and the same color eyes. Although if you didn't know what happened to Claire you would think it was her daughter and not Claire's as they looked so similar.

"Mama! Look! Look!" Rosie said. The words came out so fast that they almost didn't understand. They heard her say mama though, that much was clear. That wasn't Rosie's first time saying it. Funny enough she calls Mason 'Uncle' but calls her mama. She didn't know why. Well—she did. Everytime Rosie was in front of a mirror she would point to herself and then to her and say "mama". Three-year-old Rosie saw the similarities. What made her ache inside is that Rosie didn't remember Claire.

_Mama. She can't call me that._

"Look, Rosie, it's a bee. They're black and yellow. Yellow like your shoes!" Mason said with just as much enthusiasm Rosie had. Rosie looked down at her shoes and smiled and pointed at them with excitement as she realized it was indeed the same color. They all watched as the Honey Bee whizzed away. Maybe it was setting on to find another field of flowers. Rosie watched as the Honey bee flew away with the same smile on her face.

"Mama! You see? Come on!" Rosie said running to her and grabbing her by her index finger and pulling her. Mason followed behind them as they watched the Honey bee fly out of sight. Rosie ran back over to the flowers.

"Maybe we can find more, mama!"

***

"Do you think the lake is empty? Clear from walkers?" She asked.

"Last time I checked it was." Mason said.

"And how long ago did you check, Mason?" She asked.

"Yesterday." He said.

"Mason." She said with no playful edge to her voice.

"Fine. I'll check again." Mason said.

A brief pause settled between the two of them.

"She calls me Mama. It's wrong." She said.  Her attention was also focused on the branches she had to step over.

"What do you mean?" Mason asked.

"I'm not her mother."

"You're close to it. Claire would want her to have a mother. If Claire trusted anyone to raise her child its would be you. And that's exactly what she said right before-" Mason stopper abruptly, remembering that they hadn't talked about that moment at all.

"I know. I remember what she said. I just feel bad. It just doesn't seem right to me. I mean I don't even look like Claire." She said.

"Have you seen yourself? Have you looked in a mirror?" Mason asked. His left eyebrow was raised and he stopped to stare at her. There was a slight tug of his lips.

"I'm not laughing, Mason. Be serious right." She said.

"I am being serious." He said.

She only sighed and tightened her loosening grip on Rosie.

"Look—I'm sorry. But Claire would want her to have a mother. Claire wanted you to be her mother. She needs to you. And you know she wanted no one else to raise Rosie. She needs you in her life. There's no else who could do better. No one that could protect her like you can. And you know it's true." Mason said. This was one of the few times there wasn't any sliver of humor in his tone.

She couldn't say she felt completely okay after Mason's words. But there was a feeling of palpable relief she felt would come soon.

Sitting at the lake was a favorite of hers. It started when she was little. She remembers the first time her parents bought her to this exact lake. Despite the new horrors of the new world the lake stayed as prepossessing as before. The greenest trees surrounded the lake. The sun shining on the lake also broke through the trees casting prominent golden glimmering streaks. She breathed through her nose then inhaling the air of the lake and trees. With Rosie still clinging to her but now asleep, she could feel that relief.

_I'm still sane. I'm still here. I'm still okay._


End file.
